our puppy, Topanga Leigh really loves The Final Goodbye’s new single Dressed In White!

check it out:

http://www.myspace.com/thefinalgoodbyemusic

i know, i know.

my boy & puppy are the cutest.

love you guys, have lots to update you all on soon.

good gracious my heart has never been in the exact spot that it’s in, in this very moment in time. Saturday September 19th, 3:40am.

i should be sleeping, really i should…but i can’t.

this is johnny:

he’s incredible. he drove 15 hours, 650 miles across the country to take me out on a date, and ask me to be his girlfriend.

i said yes.

i adore him.

& i’ve never met a soul like him.

I am so blessed, way beyond what i’m worthy of and what i deserve.

but i receive!

I wanna live in risk & danger for the Lord. I wanna be Love in the dirty corners of life. I get it. Lord take me there.

Oh Lord, where do i start? I feel like last night was the first day of my life. My eyes were finally opened wide to the Lords heart. Everything came full circle…and i was there on my knees in my bedroom crying out before the Lord. The spirit kept me up till 5:30am laying LOVE on my heart. Pure, Crazy, Radical Love. I tried writing the words that were coming to me in my journal…then the words flowed too fast and the pen in my hand just could not keep up. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to forget this night, ever. I opened my computer and opened iMovie…and just recorded a private, personal account of what was going on. This morning, i’m trying to gather all of my thoughts in a way that is easily understood, and accepted, but i’m finding that impossible…so here i go.

{insert crazy, scatterbrained ramble- just try to focus on what my heart’s saying}

I was born a free spirit, yet every day the closer i get to my Beloved, the more radical my thoughts get. The world has this hold over me, telling me that life is about going to school, getting a degree, getting married, working 9 to 5 and raising kids who will turn around and do the cycle all over again. The world tells me to prioritize my life in this way. Not everyone is called to be missionaries, not everyone is called to the ministry… i used to believe those lies. Then i read the bible. This life is NOT about me. you know this, but let me reiterate…God came to earth in the flesh, Jesus who then out of the desire to heal brokenness and be an example of Love, gave his last breath to save me from darkness that i cannot comprehend. Then by the power of the Holy Spirit, was raised to life on the 3rd day. Repeatedly in the Word, Jesus calls us to leave everything we know and love to follow him. He says that we don’t really love Him, until we hate our mothers and fathers and sell all of our possessions to follow the cause of the cross. Extreme? yes.. but even if i did JUST that, it still would not be enough to thank Jesus for the sacrifice He’s made on behalf of my soul. I think Jesus expects extremes out of us. No, i know it. He also says,  go out in two’s taking only what you’re wearing, one pair of sandals and carrying no purse. To go, go and make Jesus known amoung the nations. We as Christians are ALL called to the ministry. There were no specifications of a certain type of ‘christian’ that would be called to go unto the ends of the earth. no, just you. We were all saved by grace, we are all baptized in the same Holy Spirit that baptized the disciples. WE ARE ALL CALLED TO LOVE.

this hit me hard. It is a slap in Jesus’s face, when after all He’s done, after the way He’s loved me, and the way He’s suffered on my behalf… i spend my every waking moment worried about ME. going to school, working full time, and squeezing him in with bible studies, small groups & 30 min worship on sundays.

How amazing it must have been to have been the God of the century where people expected huge things out of Jesus. they came to him expecting Him to heal their disease, they expected Him to provide for them, they expected miracles out of Him.

How awful it must be to be the God of this century, where the only things we ask of God is to help our hearts change, we ASK God to bring peace to the world, we ASK God if it’s his Will to change our circumstances. Yet we ask with faithless hearts, and we expect NOTHING from the Lord.

What a contrast.

My Jesus, how i’ve forsaken You.

My heart breaks, for the things that His heart breaks for.. lost souls, the homeless of the cities, shoe-less, food-less, Love-less children, child slavery, sex trafficking, abused women, orphaned children, special needs. The Living Word says that without hearing the word it’s impossible to know Christ, and it’s impossible for those to hear the word unless we follow through with what we are all called to do..and that is be Jesus’s hands and feet.

I want so badly, to just go out into the world.

I have never desired nice things, big  houses, expensive cars.

don’t get me wrong, i know that Jesus wants to bless us spiritually AND materially.

My only desire is to be poor on behalf of the One who is rich.

It’s hard. I have to come to a point where i quit worrying about what the world will think of me, what my friends will think of me, and what my family will think of me. I want to live in a place where my only concern is what my Heavenly Father thinks of me. I want to labor for souls, for fruit, for heavenly treasures. I want to get down & dirty on behalf of Jesus’ name. I want to expect HUGE things from my Jesus, the GOD of the universe.

I’m learning that people DO think i’m crazy, and i used to take offense to that…but i’m learning to take it as a huge compliment. John the Baptist was crazy…and he sits at the right hand of God. I wanna be sitting on the right. When the Lord sorts through all of us like the weeds from the flowers. When He says “I was hungry, you fed me, when I was thirsty you gave Me something to drink, when I was naked, you clothed me & when I was in prison you came to visit me. Whatever you’ve done unto the LEAST of these, you’ve done unto Me.” i want to be a sheep sitting at the foot of the throne. I do not want to be a goat, or a weed that parishes in the hands of this world. I cannot allow it.

There’s nothing i could ever do that would be sufficient or appropriate to thank the Lord…but i want to die trying.

I want to live the life abundant that Jesus has called me to, and live dangerously, with irresponsible faith for the Lord. Unhindered, undignified, radical faith.

There is something wrong, when the world cannot tell itself apart from me.

I want to be super transparent with all of you reading. I cannot even begin to capture what was going through my heart last night..the weight of the spirit and how my heart broke, but the Lord has confirmed this in me. The more clearly I see Gods glory, the more clearly i am able to see the brokenness of the world.. and i refuse to sit back, and live selfishly for my own good. i am no good, but I AM, jesus, He is GOOD, He is so good. He is worthy of my heart, my life, and so very much more.

Jesus i just pray right now for a boldness in faith Lord. I call on you to cultivate in me a clean heart, a willing spirit, and a girl with guts to live for her savior. This can only be done through you Jesus. I cannot ever do it alone..and i won’t try any longer. Jesus send me out, send me out into disease infested land, send me out to the dirty corners of the city, send me out to the broken souls rich of this world, Lord i will go anywhere you send me. I am ready & willing. You have my heart, You have me, all of me. Jesus, do not turn your ear away from my cry. I expect HUGE things from you Lord. You are the God of this city, the nations, the universe. You created me, know me, died for me. Send me out for your fame, and your fame alone. I will take every loss, every loss lord…to follow your cause. to follow the cause of the cross. You have my heart, recklessly & unconditionally.

every night i pick up my guitar and play. i’m really no good, but i still practice and try to get better. it’s actually really therapeutic for me, and it helps me sort out stuff, and wind down after a long day.

yesterday was really rainy all day, and i found my self feeling fairly restless. a lot of the things my eyes were seeing, were stirring my heart which then inspired the words in my head. so i decided to write it down.

i really love to write music. again, i’m no good at it. but i don’t really care. it’s not something i really do for anyone other than myself. it’s a form of expression whose results are like no other outlet i can explore. sometimes i feel like it’s one of the only places i can be honest with myself. anyways, enough rambling about that.

i wrote a song last night. well not really a song, but an idea for a song. a rough rough draft (rough both in technicalities and on the ears)  i’d upload the song, but i’m not gutsy enough for that just yet.

here are the lyrics:
“can’t wait”

you’re like an old school taste
with a brand new face
i never seem to win this game
so i run away

it’s like i’m chasing a dream
but nobody’s following me
i’m running but i can’t see my feet
won’t someone to carry me

but until that day
i’ll find a way
to be okay
but i can’t wait hear you say

that you love me
need me
can’t go on without me
your sweet georgia peach
call me your, baby

that you love me
need me
can’t go on without me
your sweet georgia peach
call me your, baby

& i will love you
i’ll need you too
i could never go on without you
my baby

It’s hard to say it to your face,

When i can’t look you in the eye,

Even if i knew the words;

I couldn’t form them, if i tried.

I want to be articulate,

When speaking logistics & truth.

I can’t convey that image though,

I’m still living in my youth.

I’d love to feel okay again

A fresh start, a new day.

But then i fear i’ll face a new pain,

Still not knowing what to say.

I’ll try my best to be understood,

In more ways than one.

I’ll draw a picture, chart a map

To lead you to where i’ve gone.

I’m not sure that you’ll follow me,

You’ve got skeletons of your own.

Just know when you’re ready to flee,

You wont have to be alone.

Times and trials will get to us,

Behind darkened closet doors.

The road seem to collapse ahead

Like closing corridors.

Yet with desire to start anew,

Soon will follow after.

Bright and shining happiness

Flowing forth from boughs of laughter.

So when and if you’re ever ready

For rebirth of soul & spirit;

I’ll be near with outstretched arms

And ears open to hear it.

I’d thank you for your sympathy

If a thank you i could loan.

But your desire to find the best of me

I can only find, alone.

the dam to the wellspring of life is broken, and is running dry. heal me & fill me up again.

So, today was the first day of my new job. I am now a nanny! I nanny a 3 year old boy named Mason, he is absolutely adorable.

Meet my new main man, Mason:

Mason also has disabilities. Mason has a disease called Osteogenesis Imperfecta.

I’ll give you the short run-down:

Osteogenesis Imperfecta (OI), also known as “brittle bone disease”,  is a genetic disorder characterized by fragile bones that break easily.

Here is a site you can visit if you are interested in learning more: http://www.oif.org

i really encourage you to research about this disease, be more educated, and possibly help!

Basically, Mason is a very fragile little boy. He cannot walk, because when he puts too much weight on his feet, his legs break. Currently, his left femur is broken so he is in a brace that keeps his legs like a frog until it heals. He is pretty much immobile right now, depending on us to move him from position to position. Mason also, cannot eat a lot of solid food. He gets most of his nutrients through Tube Feeding (basically feeding him through a hole in his stomach). We also give him his medication through the tube system.

In Mason’s lifetime, he has broken almost every single bone in his body, and has had hundreds of surgeries (Remember he is only 3 years old!)

Having said all of this…

he is the most joyful, happy, glowing, fun-loving, loving child i have ever met in my entire life. he is as cute as a button, and never cries or complains. i mean, if you or i had a broken femur, i’m pretty sure we’d be crying and whining all day. this kid is THE CHAMP.

my schedule with him is Monday through Thursday, 6:15 am-5:30 pm.

I have to make sure his formula is tube fed at least 3 times a day, give him sponge baths, change his clothes, take him on adventures and create the most fun fantastic day possible for him…all the while being very careful not to hurt him. I could literally hug him too hard and crush his ribs, or bump his face putting his shirt on and break his nose. It is all very overwhelming.

this job is very tedious, and pretty stressful. It is the biggest challenge i have yet to face, and is also the biggest blessing and most rewarding job i could ever imagine having.

My life is going to pretty much revolve around little Mason & i love that.

i am finally at peace with the way things are turning out.

ps. here are some more photos of the adorable Mason:

bright eyes

crazy boy laughing

telling me why Mufasa is better than Scar. He is very serious about this.

being silly.

the g-tube machine that pumps the formula to his stomach.

formula

watching tv while his formula pumps.

watching tv while his formula pumps.

Mason with the Lions Mask we made during our arts & crafts time. He LOVES lions!

So i was just driving my mom to work, and on the way back home i stopped at starbucks for a iced white mocha. I was riding with the windows down & the sunroof open…& then…just like that ‘The Time Of My Life’ came on the radio. Now this song has popped up in my head on a few special occasions before & i’ve always absolutely loved it.

All i can say is, everytime i hear this song, i am transported to somewhere completely not in this colorless, drab of a world. I cannot help but to sing it at the top of my lungs as i imagine a world that exists somewhere where i am dancing in perfect time with Patrick Swayze.

I can honestly say, that in that moment, dancing with him. My heart finally felt, completely understood.

all that and a cup of coffee…huh?

sometimes, i just love my imagination.

I’ve been waiting for so long
Now I’ve finally found someone
To stand by me
We saw the writing on the wall
As we felt this magical fantasy
Now with passion in our eyes
There’s no way we could disguise it secretly
So we take each other’s hand
‘Cause we seem to understand the urgency
just remember
You’re the one thing
I can’t get enough of
So I’ll tell you something
This could be love

“there is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.”

- nelson mandela

i’m way too scatter-brained to update this with posts that will make sense.

but here are a few exerpts from my real journal (like my tangible paper journal that i write in…old fashioned style)

they are just scribbles here & there, they could mean anything, they could mean everything, they could mean nothing at all.

June 16th,2009:

there is simplicity to be found amongst the chaos in my mind:

hold on tight

or

let go

both are freeing & detrimental to everyone involved.

both sides are relieved

both sides are pained.

even within my own heart, the road splits before me & no matter which path i choose, half of me sighs…the other half is filled with wonder & regret.

(i wish the world revolved around Love & not Money)

i feel like my thoughts are so simple- yet everything about me & my life appears complex…i don’t understand- i don’t understand anything anymore- i never did really, just rubbing the niave off of my eyelids

-still heavy, with what i am unsure.

Tonight i sat on a stool, in the bathroom, lazily putting make-up on (throwing one of those stupid pity parties in my head). I heard a buzzing, looked up & saw a fly trapped in the light fixture above me. The more it tried to escape, the more it got burned by the blazing bulb. Truly, i felt bad for the little guy. I tried turning off the light, but that was unsuccessful because then he was unable to see to find his way out. I turned the light back on, certain that it just wasn’t in the cards for him today. He laid still for a few minutes…thinking he had lost his battle in the glowing death trap i went back to putting my ‘face’ on. Then, out of nowhere in one swift, buzzing motion he escaped, triumphantly. Just like that. It suprised me & i exclaimed loudly “you made it! you’re alive!”

(i know i must be losing it when i celebrate with insects).

June 18th,2009

^As little & unnoticable this whole occurance seems – it really hit home for me. I feel trapped, no i am trapped. i think i’ve lost hope in Hope. is that possible?

On the other hand…

If that little fly can figure it out & not die trying…why the hell should the story end differently for me. I’m bigger and i have a brain that thinks and a heart that feels (all too much at times).

Regardless of who any of us believe is bigger than us, I am at the top of the chain in this microscopic world. I may be small, but i’m bigger than that fly…& he got away. The question is do i have the strength & power? Perhaps You, God are watching me buzz & burn, stuck in my own head & life – watching, waiting & hoping that i’ll just figure out that up is out. If, for that little moment in my life i cared about that of an insect…perhaps You care about miniscule me?

Oh, I digress….Let’s talk about Love. (Capitol ‘L’)

How Pecular, Gullable, Pursuasive, Undeniable & Wish-Washy You Are.

Love, you make me want to stay up till the birds sing, You make me want to hide in bed, under the covers next to a warm soul, nose to nose, until my body aches from too much rest. You make me want to skip ‘real life’, you make me want to make every day an adventure. You make me want to drop everything I’m doing to feel the hint of a spark of Your presence. You make me laugh till i cry. You make me cry till i laugh. You make me want to scream because i am certain i’m going crazy. You bring out the best & worst in me. You worry me sick. You make me j-e-a-lous & insecure. You make me feel beautiful in my skin. Love i could never fully describe You. You are fickle, unpredictable & constant. You are unrequieted. Love, i cannot, could not ever live a day without you – or i would most assuredly be the fly that burns alive.

June 25th, 2009 (4:54am)

i’m going Home

(where the red bird flies)

i’m going Home

(no time for goodbyes)

i’m going Home

(where the sand meets the stone)

i’m going Home

(& i’m going alone)

i’m going Home

(where the skies are blue)

i’m going Home

(it’ll remind me of you)

i’m going Home

(i wish that home was you)

eyes blue as the ocean

bring me home to sea

(bring me home to see)

eyes blue as the ocean

i’ve been waiting patiently

for Love to find it’s home in me.

June 26th,2009

Georgia:

you are hot, humid & sticky

you are beautiful & green

your bugs eat me alive

except the lightening bugs, THOSE are my favorite

(they make the simplest setting shine & shimmer)

i like to catch them,

just to let them go

Georgia:

i feel both welcomed & unwanted here…

but i love you & i will miss you,

my sweet, southern home.

The more you have loved and have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper. – Henri Nouwen

I don’t have much to say anymore.

I feel a lot, but have lost my ability to express those feelings through words be it written or spoken.

I am not the girl that i used to be, however i am growing, falling, changing and learning.

I hope that the girl waiting on the other side is more beautiful, confident & loving than the one i know today.

I’m learning that my love is a bit overwhelming at times. My love twists and turns and morphs the ideas in my head  into false realities. My love is a bit gullible and all too believing. Sometimes i think my love could save someone, could help someone, could heal someone…but i’m learning that it isn’t always welcome, or wanted, or desired…and that’s okay. It’s okay to love and care about people without words or actions, just from a distance. It’s okay to love, and it’s okay to care…no matter who tells me otherwise.

Everyone is so undeserving of Love.

Everyone is so deserving of Love.

Everyone.

So yea, I was warned, and i didn’t listen…but i feel like love can only be a good thing for someone. I’m just learning what love is appropriate. I’m learning that my love has no power to save, to help, to heal. My love is powerless. My love is unattractive. My love is flawed. My love is genuine.

If I get hurt because I love too much. I’ll live with that.

I’d rather live loving and hurting, then living without love. I’d rather have a heart too big and get stepped on, then have a heart that can only be seen through a microscope.

Everything is a blessing & a curse.

I’m learning.

It’s okay.

And you’re finally free
to twist and turn like a skeleton key.