[warning: this is not your typical Krissy Leigh, warm and fuzzy post, but it’s genuine & real]
the never ending story, that is my heart.
a little girl, born to love.
born with a heart bigger than the clouds her little head was stuck in.
she could never keep her feet on the ground, no matter how hard she tried.
all she could do was love love love, and wait wait wait.
now she’s grown up, having to face the fact that she’s not that little girl anymore
and maybe her heart should change too.
all she’s ever known is to give of herself, expecting nothing in return.
because she didn’t deserve anything in return..and so she did get just that.
nothing in return. time and time again.
i think it’s time to build a fence around this heart.
no love in, no love out. let it rest in solitude.
if anyone dare to get in, at least then…i’ll know…
they really fought for my heart,
desired my heart,
couldn’t live without my heart.
and all the love it has to give
there’s so much, or there was so much.
i fear i’m running out.
so up with the walls, and down with the hopes.
had you asked me 3,4,5 years ago… i would’ve told you i was the biggest advocate of love. ask my best friend, malloree morgan. She knows. many nights i spent pointing her to love, and away from callousness. crying tears and whispering over and over, love is real, love exists, love is pure, love is here and now.
i am no longer that girl.
or if i am, i no longer WANT to be her.
maybe just maybe, Jesus is the one and only true love. The one and only Daddy, the one and only Husband. how dare i think that isn’t enough for me?
maybe no one really has the capacity to love one another, fully.
i thought i did, but now i know…that it must be impossible.
true love must be reciprocated. must be.
this gypsy heart of mine has been through it, and i’m tired of running away.
I’ll stand firm, trust in the Lord. But i’m keeping my heart to myself.
For the first time in my life i feel like my heart is worthy of something that may not exist. I deserve being pursued. I deserve true love. And if it only exists in Jesus, then from now until forever, he will be the only one with a key to my heart.
it hurts too bad any other way.
I wrote this in my prayer journal a couple of days ago:
“Create in me, clean hands & feet
Create in me, the bride-to-be
Marry Me
Faithfully
Eternally
Whole-heartedly
Genuinely
Lord, give me peace
for what’s to be
Give me eyes,
that i may see
all that you have for me
heavens store house – overflowing
i’ve locked my heart
Lord, keep the key
Return it not unto me
until the day that i may see
the man, my heart is so fashioned to keep.
Lord, Your will be done in me.
Lord, Your will be done in me.
I seek Thee.”
i will miss you… restless & radical, free spirit, gypsy-souled, wide-eyed Krissy Leigh.
