Miles are like heart beats, I know them as they fly away.

good gracious my heart has never been in the exact spot that it’s in, in this very moment in time. Saturday September 19th, 3:40am.

i should be sleeping, really i should…but i can’t.

this is johnny:

he’s incredible. he drove 15 hours, 650 miles across the country to take me out on a date, and ask me to be his girlfriend.

i said yes.

i adore him.

& i’ve never met a soul like him.

I am so blessed, way beyond what i’m worthy of and what i deserve.

but i receive!

for the reckless & radical spirit.

I wanna live in risk & danger for the Lord. I wanna be Love in the dirty corners of life. I get it. Lord take me there.

Oh Lord, where do i start? I feel like last night was the first day of my life. My eyes were finally opened wide to the Lords heart. Everything came full circle…and i was there on my knees in my bedroom crying out before the Lord. The spirit kept me up till 5:30am laying LOVE on my heart. Pure, Crazy, Radical Love. I tried writing the words that were coming to me in my journal…then the words flowed too fast and the pen in my hand just could not keep up. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to forget this night, ever. I opened my computer and opened iMovie…and just recorded a private, personal account of what was going on. This morning, i’m trying to gather all of my thoughts in a way that is easily understood, and accepted, but i’m finding that impossible…so here i go.

{insert crazy, scatterbrained ramble- just try to focus on what my heart’s saying}

I was born a free spirit, yet every day the closer i get to my Beloved, the more radical my thoughts get. The world has this hold over me, telling me that life is about going to school, getting a degree, getting married, working 9 to 5 and raising kids who will turn around and do the cycle all over again. The world tells me to prioritize my life in this way. Not everyone is called to be missionaries, not everyone is called to the ministry… i used to believe those lies. Then i read the bible. This life is NOT about me. you know this, but let me reiterate…God came to earth in the flesh, Jesus who then out of the desire to heal brokenness and be an example of Love, gave his last breath to save me from darkness that i cannot comprehend. Then by the power of the Holy Spirit, was raised to life on the 3rd day. Repeatedly in the Word, Jesus calls us to leave everything we know and love to follow him. He says that we don’t really love Him, until we hate our mothers and fathers and sell all of our possessions to follow the cause of the cross. Extreme? yes.. but even if i did JUST that, it still would not be enough to thank Jesus for the sacrifice He’s made on behalf of my soul. I think Jesus expects extremes out of us. No, i know it. He also says,  go out in two’s taking only what you’re wearing, one pair of sandals and carrying no purse. To go, go and make Jesus known amoung the nations. We as Christians are ALL called to the ministry. There were no specifications of a certain type of ‘christian’ that would be called to go unto the ends of the earth. no, just you. We were all saved by grace, we are all baptized in the same Holy Spirit that baptized the disciples. WE ARE ALL CALLED TO LOVE.

this hit me hard. It is a slap in Jesus’s face, when after all He’s done, after the way He’s loved me, and the way He’s suffered on my behalf… i spend my every waking moment worried about ME. going to school, working full time, and squeezing him in with bible studies, small groups & 30 min worship on sundays.

How amazing it must have been to have been the God of the century where people expected huge things out of Jesus. they came to him expecting Him to heal their disease, they expected Him to provide for them, they expected miracles out of Him.

How awful it must be to be the God of this century, where the only things we ask of God is to help our hearts change, we ASK God to bring peace to the world, we ASK God if it’s his Will to change our circumstances. Yet we ask with faithless hearts, and we expect NOTHING from the Lord.

What a contrast.

My Jesus, how i’ve forsaken You.

My heart breaks, for the things that His heart breaks for.. lost souls, the homeless of the cities, shoe-less, food-less, Love-less children, child slavery, sex trafficking, abused women, orphaned children, special needs. The Living Word says that without hearing the word it’s impossible to know Christ, and it’s impossible for those to hear the word unless we follow through with what we are all called to do..and that is be Jesus’s hands and feet.

I want so badly, to just go out into the world.

I have never desired nice things, big  houses, expensive cars.

don’t get me wrong, i know that Jesus wants to bless us spiritually AND materially.

My only desire is to be poor on behalf of the One who is rich.

It’s hard. I have to come to a point where i quit worrying about what the world will think of me, what my friends will think of me, and what my family will think of me. I want to live in a place where my only concern is what my Heavenly Father thinks of me. I want to labor for souls, for fruit, for heavenly treasures. I want to get down & dirty on behalf of Jesus’ name. I want to expect HUGE things from my Jesus, the GOD of the universe.

I’m learning that people DO think i’m crazy, and i used to take offense to that…but i’m learning to take it as a huge compliment. John the Baptist was crazy…and he sits at the right hand of God. I wanna be sitting on the right. When the Lord sorts through all of us like the weeds from the flowers. When He says “I was hungry, you fed me, when I was thirsty you gave Me something to drink, when I was naked, you clothed me & when I was in prison you came to visit me. Whatever you’ve done unto the LEAST of these, you’ve done unto Me.” i want to be a sheep sitting at the foot of the throne. I do not want to be a goat, or a weed that parishes in the hands of this world. I cannot allow it.

There’s nothing i could ever do that would be sufficient or appropriate to thank the Lord…but i want to die trying.

I want to live the life abundant that Jesus has called me to, and live dangerously, with irresponsible faith for the Lord. Unhindered, undignified, radical faith.

There is something wrong, when the world cannot tell itself apart from me.

I want to be super transparent with all of you reading. I cannot even begin to capture what was going through my heart last night..the weight of the spirit and how my heart broke, but the Lord has confirmed this in me. The more clearly I see Gods glory, the more clearly i am able to see the brokenness of the world.. and i refuse to sit back, and live selfishly for my own good. i am no good, but I AM, jesus, He is GOOD, He is so good. He is worthy of my heart, my life, and so very much more.

Jesus i just pray right now for a boldness in faith Lord. I call on you to cultivate in me a clean heart, a willing spirit, and a girl with guts to live for her savior. This can only be done through you Jesus. I cannot ever do it alone..and i won’t try any longer. Jesus send me out, send me out into disease infested land, send me out to the dirty corners of the city, send me out to the broken souls rich of this world, Lord i will go anywhere you send me. I am ready & willing. You have my heart, You have me, all of me. Jesus, do not turn your ear away from my cry. I expect HUGE things from you Lord. You are the God of this city, the nations, the universe. You created me, know me, died for me. Send me out for your fame, and your fame alone. I will take every loss, every loss lord…to follow your cause. to follow the cause of the cross. You have my heart, recklessly & unconditionally.