little bird, say what you said.

i’m way too scatter-brained to update this with posts that will make sense.

but here are a few exerpts from my real journal (like my tangible paper journal that i write in…old fashioned style)

they are just scribbles here & there, they could mean anything, they could mean everything, they could mean nothing at all.

June 16th,2009:

there is simplicity to be found amongst the chaos in my mind:

hold on tight

or

let go

both are freeing & detrimental to everyone involved.

both sides are relieved

both sides are pained.

even within my own heart, the road splits before me & no matter which path i choose, half of me sighs…the other half is filled with wonder & regret.

 

(i wish the world revolved around Love & not Money)

i feel like my thoughts are so simple- yet everything about me & my life appears complex…i don’t understand- i don’t understand anything anymore- i never did really, just rubbing the niave off of my eyelids

-still heavy, with what i am unsure.

Tonight i sat on a stool, in the bathroom, lazily putting make-up on (throwing one of those stupid pity parties in my head). I heard a buzzing, looked up & saw a fly trapped in the light fixture above me. The more it tried to escape, the more it got burned by the blazing bulb. Truly, i felt bad for the little guy. I tried turning off the light, but that was unsuccessful because then he was unable to see to find his way out. I turned the light back on, certain that it just wasn’t in the cards for him today. He laid still for a few minutes…thinking he had lost his battle in the glowing death trap i went back to putting my ‘face’ on. Then, out of nowhere in one swift, buzzing motion he escaped, triumphantly. Just like that. It suprised me & i exclaimed loudly “you made it! you’re alive!”

(i know i must be losing it when i celebrate with insects).

June 18th,2009

^As little & unnoticable this whole occurance seems – it really hit home for me. I feel trapped, no i am trapped. i think i’ve lost hope in Hope. is that possible?

On the other hand…

If that little fly can figure it out & not die trying…why the hell should the story end differently for me. I’m bigger and i have a brain that thinks and a heart that feels (all too much at times).

Regardless of who any of us believe is bigger than us, I am at the top of the chain in this microscopic world. I may be small, but i’m bigger than that fly…& he got away. The question is do i have the strength & power? Perhaps You, God are watching me buzz & burn, stuck in my own head & life – watching, waiting & hoping that i’ll just figure out that up is out. If, for that little moment in my life i cared about that of an insect…perhaps You care about miniscule me?

Oh, I digress….Let’s talk about Love. (Capitol ‘L’)

How Pecular, Gullable, Pursuasive, Undeniable & Wish-Washy You Are.

Love, you make me want to stay up till the birds sing, You make me want to hide in bed, under the covers next to a warm soul, nose to nose, until my body aches from too much rest. You make me want to skip ‘real life’, you make me want to make every day an adventure. You make me want to drop everything I’m doing to feel the hint of a spark of Your presence. You make me laugh till i cry. You make me cry till i laugh. You make me want to scream because i am certain i’m going crazy. You bring out the best & worst in me. You worry me sick. You make me j-e-a-lous & insecure. You make me feel beautiful in my skin. Love i could never fully describe You. You are fickle, unpredictable & constant. You are unrequieted. Love, i cannot, could not ever live a day without you – or i would most assuredly be the fly that burns alive.

 

June 25th, 2009 (4:54am)

i’m going Home

(where the red bird flies)

i’m going Home

(no time for goodbyes)

i’m going Home

(where the sand meets the stone)

i’m going Home

(& i’m going alone)

i’m going Home

(where the skies are blue)

i’m going Home

(it’ll remind me of you)

i’m going Home

(i wish that home was you)

eyes blue as the ocean

bring me home to sea

(bring me home to see)

eyes blue as the ocean

i’ve been waiting patiently

for Love to find it’s home in me.

June 26th,2009

Georgia:

you are hot, humid & sticky

you are beautiful & green

your bugs eat me alive

except the lightening bugs, THOSE are my favorite

(they make the simplest setting shine & shimmer)

i like to catch them,

just to let them go

Georgia:

i feel both welcomed & unwanted here…

but i love you & i will miss you,

my sweet, southern home.