a peek into my heart…

so off and on during the week i have been sitting down at my parents PC, listening to Swifts new tunes, and saving all of my old photos and stuff to my external harddrive. In the process of doing that i’ve found many old photos that i have forgotten about. I came across photos from a mission trip that my youth group went on when i was a junior (i think).

We visited Buffalo, NY to just love on underprivileged kids who live in the low income housing.

I wanted to share these photos with you guys, because while i was sorting through them i realized that in THESE photos…i was happiest.  My heart was at it’s peak potential when i was holding these kids, playing with them…and just seeing them smile. I’ve always known that i’ve loved missions, i love going anywhere and meeting new people and just LOVING on them. I’ve always known that. I’ve also always been very aware of my love for little kids. Recently my eyes have started to open to the possibilities of God encorperating those things into his Will for my life. I’m praying that God will use my photography for GOOD. that somehow, maybe i could travel and photograph and LOVE on the broken people of this world..especially children. So that’s where my heart’s at, presently.

I wanted to show you guys these photos, and kinda share with you one of the largest portions of my heart. There are 3 kids, that impacted my heart. Let me introduce you!

This is Robert:

Robert was the sweetest little guy in the world. When i first saw him, he looked sad and kind of sad, but as soon as we locked eyes he smiled wide and gave me the ‘up arms’ (pick me up pick me up!) He was precious. All i know, is he captured my heart immediatly. I wish i could see him now, and see how he’s grown and see how him and his mom have been doing.

This is Ricky:

Ricky was the HAPPIEST, funniest kid ever. To live in the circumstances that he lived in, he was so grateful, so appreciative, and just joyful. Nothing got this kid down.  From the moment i met him, i was envious of his attitude. I lived a life so different from his, yet i always complained about life. Ricky taught me a lot about my selfishness, and how to live life abundantly. He taught me just by being himself, and laughing genuinely all throughout the day. He really was hilarious, i also envied his quick whittedness..(word?) anyways..i also, loved ricky. He taught me how to do the ‘poud it and explode’ handshake as well. i owe it all to him.

And last,  but not least..this is Michael:

Michael, literally changed my life forever.  Michael is the first kid i’ve ever whitnessed to, and i’m sad to say to this day the last that i’ve had these kinds of conversations with. Michael was  was a very sad, introverted kid. He’s the kid that everyone at school thought was weird, and they picked on him and beat him with sticks. His single mom was also ‘dating’ a guy who was very abusive to Michael, verbally. He told Michael that he was  ‘weird’ & ‘worthless’, that ‘the world and his life would be better off if he weren’t in it’. So he reverted into this hardened heart, not believing in a soul other than his own..and slowly losing faith in his own heart. He was broken & needing love,  but never really feeling love refused it from me at first. He sat underneath a big tree in the park by himself, refusing to participate in the games or worship time we were having. My heart is drawn to people that are alone. It seemed like no one really noticed he was even there. I walked over to him, sat down beside him and introduced myself. Aside from his name, he would NOT budge. He wouldn’t say a word. So i told him i wasn’t going to leave my comfy spot by the tree until he talked to me. I said “I am really terrible at sports…like REALLY..and i don’t really feel like singing right now. do you mind if i just sit here with you?” and he shook his head no. aWe sat there for literally 20 mins in complete silence, and i prayed silently that the Lord would open up some kind of door for me to love on this kid. And then out of nowhere…he says  “Prove to me that God is real.”

OH NO. i thought, i am SO unprepared for this conversation. I’m going to turn him away from his only saving grace in one swift, clumsy sentence. I thought for a second and just went for it, being honest with him with how i felt.

I told him that there was no way i could explain to him scientifically or theoretically that God not only exists but is here in this moment.  My brain raced for a way that i could explain to this 12 year old in a way that he’d understand. I said…(and i know this is cheesy, but looking back i wouldn’t change this for anything) i said, do you believe in the wind? and he said yes. I said…can you prove to me that wind is real? and he said…”i feel it” I said..”do you think i’d lie to you?” and he said “no, for some reason i trust you and i have no idea why.” then i smiled and said “well thats so good to hear. I want to tell you that God is real, from my experience. He lives in my heart, i felt Him the day i opened my heart to him..i don’t feel him EVERY day, honestly but i know that He is there. and you know what? I feel him right now.”

His eyes filled with tears and he literally climbed up into my lap and cried.  I’ve never felt such emotion in my entire life. I just held him, and cried and cried, and prayed over his sweet heart. It was being softened. and it was beautiful.  After that i told him about the times that i encountered Christ, and how it changed my life. How it was hard, but it was worth it. I told him to ask me any questions he wanted to, and honeslty for a 12 year old he asked the toughest questions. But the Lord took hold of my mouth and helped him understand. I asked him if He wanted that too. And he said yes. I told him i wasn’t going to make him repeat my prayer..that i thought it was cheesy and i wanted his invitation to Christ to be his own. ( i think he appreciated my honesty) Then he prayed the most beautiful prayer i have ever heard. I wish there was some way i could’ve recorded it to let everyone hear it. He confessed that he was broken, and needy and not capable of life on his own. And he cried as he asked Jesus to come save him. He said he knew things would not get better, but he knew that he’d get through it..that now he had hope in life and in love…and at the end he thanked the Lord for ‘miss krissy’, calling me an angel. Never has my heart broken like it did in that moment.

I will never forget Michael and what the Lord taught me through him in that moment. I’m crying right now because i know the Lord wanted me to write out that story and relive it to remember the things that i learned. I know that i am not capable of loving people the right way, or shining Christ the way i should…alone. I know that in that moment everything would’ve been different if i didn’t just let go and let the Lord take over. I wonder, now how different my life would be if i gave Christ control over my entire life the way i did in that moment of panick and weakness. My heart hurts because more than anything i want to go out and love on kids like michael again.

but i know that the Lord is refining me right now. I must do what i don’t like right now…so that i can do what i love later on in life. I cannot wait for the day when i can serve in that nature all of the time. Once education, and the bills from education are done and out of the way..i can’ t wait to further Gods kingdom. I can’t wait to combine my love for photography and my love for children together to DO GOOD in this world. I cannot wait to live out Matthew 25: 34-45 life.

I know this was long, and if you read it all, that is awesome! I hope that the Lord opened up a part of your heart while reading this.

i come home in 7 days!!!!!