burden.

so there’s a lot i wanna write about..condering the past couple of weeks..however i just cannot right now.

at this moment..at stinking 2:30 in the morning my heart is just a little confused. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s not hurt, it isn’t painful.. just full of confusion and a little bit of dissapointment.

 

i’m a little tired and worn out from following my heart and dreams. It’s been run into the ground..and nothing ever changes internally.

 

Have you heard my prayers? Every night i whisper the same stupid words and yet absolutely nothing has changed.

You confuse me, Lord with your will for my heart. 

My best friend told me that it was good to love so much, to have a heart as big as mine. That it was good that i had emotions and felt pain…cus then i know that i’m alive. She says its better than not loving, and not feeling. I don’t really agree though.

I wish i didn’t feel, most of the time. It’d make life a lot easier.

 

i understand brokenness. I understand that there is always a purpose. 

but currently, i am lost and confused.

carry me, Lord. I can no longer walk with my head up.

I love you, and i’m sorry i’m such a mess.

 

“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

an incredible surrender

i don’t even know where to start! I am just so amazed by the beauty in the breakdown.

Honestly, i have no words to say..but i’m just gonna just do a flow of conciousness right now.

This week i came to visit one of my sweet best friends, Tiffany Chambers. It has been such a blessing to spend time with her, it’s been a while and its so good for my heart. I am so grateful that God has used some not so fun circumstances to bring a lot of us together, to love on and support eachother. It rocks.

Sunday I was able to go to Northpoint, which i don’t get to do as often as i used to.. and my heart was so overjoyed to be there. It felt at home..and honestly, when I saw andy stanley, cheesy as it is, i teared up. He’s just such a spiritual guy figure to me, and i take any opportunity i get to just be drenched in his teachings. He is truly and annointed man. We learned about Private Ministry sunday morning, and it’s something i really enjoy learning about and now i’m just ready to step up and take action, taking the bible literally and doing what we as followers of Christ are called to do.

Sunday night we went to Buckhead, and it was my first time going to an actual service there. I was SO SO SO excited to finally see Carlos lead. He was even better than i had expected. Over and beyond. Jesus was so apparent in him as he led us in some pretty powerful worship. And once again Andy brought it, virtually. We learned about Private Disciplines. Okay so i REALLY struggle with that. So honestly i’m ready to suck it up and do it. I need to continue to make myself do what is so hard to do. It’s not that i don’t want to do it..it’s just hard. But if i stick throught it, eventually these will be things that i so desperately look forward to.. and i look forward to that! Then we went to GroupLink, which honestly felt like speed dating (of course i’ve never sped dated, but i imagine its like how it is in the movies..huh?) But non-the-less, it was still fun. I’m a people person so i just ate it up.

I met some pretty incredible girls this week.. (it’s only monday, ps.. well tuesday techniacally)

Joy, Heather, Anna, Sarah-Elizabeth, Haylie, Melanie and a huge awesome small group.

Incredible Incredible Incredible

Tonight we went to the Living Room, which i haven’t been to since i left KSU. so that was WONDERFULLL. Kristian stinkin, i can’t even explain it. Talkin about annointed men. He never fails to ‘bring it’, and bring it all. He inspires me to worship unashamedly everytime i’m around him, and he makes it easier to feel comfortable worshiping the way our bodies naturally want to respond to Jesus when He’s moving in us. It rocks. Worship tonight was unexplicable. At one point i was laughing and crying at the same time..it was ridiculous (the good kind). Those moments are so precious to me, and i wish they didn’t have to end. Brad did an awesome job @ pitching Twitter to the college students tonight as well.  I’m not gonna lie, i felt like a bit of a nerd..but i used to reside on the other side of the fence too. I thought ‘twitter is so gay..i don’t even understand it’ but now that i’m proficient in it..i love it. Its so nice to know what my friends are up to on a daily basis..the silly and simple things. love it. He also challenged us in a big way. Who are we living for?

Who am I living for?

                   -Jesus

How am i living for Jesus?

                  (awkward silence)

Okay then Krissy Leigh, what are you gonna do to actually LIVE OUT your words?

just some stuff cookin in my mind.

Tonight just when i thought things couldn’t possibly get more amazing.. a group of us went to intermezzo after the service.. and enjoyed some Chios and fellowship sticks, and just eachother. We had some pretty intense discussion and just really broke and overjoyed my heart all at once. It’s crazy that we can meet people in one day and have conversations like that just a couple of hours later. Crazy cool how God can overcome any boundaries and barriers and bring us together in His name.

We didn’t leave till around 1. It was so good. And then Tiff, Joy and I got back to the apartment and decided to pray aloud for eachother in the car. We prayed for close to a half hour.. Just confessing our brokenness to Jesus, and loving on eachother. It was pretty incredible. I’m just so thankful for this time of brokenness.. in all of us. It sucks, and i hate that.. but at the same time i’m just so appreciative for how its moving and growing me into, hopefully a woman of God. It’s my deepest prayer.

My dear friend, Brian..is amazing. I can say with confidence that he is totally in-tune to God and it blesses me so much everytime we talk. I’m learning so much! We’ve been talking a lot lately just about taking the bible literally. word for word. So tonight, i felt pretty silly saying it.. but the bible tells us to rebuke satan in Christs name. And i did just that..out loud. It gave me straight chills. The bible clearly says, rebuke satan in Christs name and satan CANNOT touch you. That right there, blows my mind. Brian will hate me (well not really hate me, he isn’t capable of that) but he will be embarrased that i’m bragging on him because that’s how he is. A man of humbleness. But he is just so someone that i am looking to right now, and is such an incredible example of Christ (have i used the word incredible enough yet?) Anyways…

Thank you Jesus, for today..and tonight. Thank you for revealing Yourself to me. I know I’m so demanding of you. I ask for extremes. I want you to be black or white to me, yes or no…i want answers from you.. and yet i am not willing to do the same for you. Hypocrite. Oh the double standards I have! I ask you all of this..and yet I sit comfortably in my gray area.. in my lukewarm pool of sameness. How dare I ask You to answer me when i am not willing to take action.  Jesus, I’m so sorry. I will not make up excuses for my comfortable, monotanous, routine life of SAMENESS. Jesus, I want to LOVE you.. and NOT because You loved me first, Lord.. but because I cannot help to do anything else in this world but to LOVE you. The way you designed it. The way you created it. The way you inteded it. The way you desire it. I desire that too Lord, you know that. I pray that you will NOT take away the distractions in my life, Lord.. I pray that you will give the strength to ignore them. I pray that you will NOT take people that i so easily put ahead of You, Lord and instead give me the strength to put you above them. I pray for strength. I pray for more brokenness. I pray to be unsatified with my life, with my walk with You. I pray that I continue to seek the mystery that is you. I pray that you will make me hot or cold, Lord. I’m so afraid of continuing this lukewarm-ness. Open my eyes to the destruction that lies ahead if i do not turn around right now and put action to my words. Lord i want to love you unashamedly. I want to dance for you, however clumsily. I want to sing loud for you and not care if my harmony is on key. Make me unashamed. Thank you for this week, You knew my heart needed this. I get it..Your way is so much better than mine. I surrender.

 

This was terribly (in a good way) long. I always start these things off saying that i have nothing to say…and it ends up like this. I’m sorry! And i don’t expect or suspect that anyone will read everyword. But even if you just scanned it..i hope some words popped out at you, and i hope that maybe i could share some cool stuff i’m learning. Be encouraged. I love you.

-krissy

Agapetos: Beloved

This was laid on my heart today:

Beloved, I AM yours
Beloved, you are Mine
Beloved, I AM by your side

I will never ever forsake you
I will never forget you
I will always cherish you, take care of you
My child, My bride
Dearly Beloved, you are Mine

Beloved, you no longer have to run & hide
Beloved, in your darkest days I’ll be your light
Beloved, wipe those tears away from tired eyes
Beloved, I make all things new in perfect time

I will never ever forsake you
I will never forget you
I will always cherish you, take care of you
My child, My bride
Dearly Beloved, you are Mine

Yahweh, ahebh agape
Jesus, I long for Your love

Dearly Beloved
You are Mine
So perfectly Mine.

transparent.

i am ridiculously sorry that it has been over a month since i’ve posted a real blog up.

i’m not really sure what to write about. i’ve been putting it off, waiting for the right words to come to me and they just aren’t.

I’ve had some pretty amazing doors opened up to me. I’ve been trying so hard to seek Gods Will wholeheartedly and not let my feelings get in the way. But once again i get confused between what i think is Gods will and what i think is mine.  Please be praying that God throws some discernment my way soon!

I wrote about it in my last blog… but i’ve really just been spending a lot of time alone. If you guys know me at all, you know that i absolutely HATE to be alone.. at any time. I am very much a people person. I love meeting people, spending quality time with friends, or just being in good company with someone that i adore. I am also very much a physical person. My love language is Physical Touch, so being around people is good for me because i surround myself with friends that are always loving on each other and lifting each other up. So, I’m not gonna lie.. spending time alone has absolutely sucked. But i knew that I had to get over this…If i wanted to learn more about myself, apart from anyone else. I had to learn how to find myself, define myself in Christ first, before anything else.

Its easy to say, we all say it all of the time. That we define ourselves first by Christ..but is does that actually hold true for all of us? Hold me up to the light and you’ll see differently. I am constantly putting my trust, my affections, my energy, my time into those that i love. Those tangible to me. While that is not a sin, It doesn’t work out when I don’t put all that i have into Christ first and foremost. One thing i’ve learned to be true. It is that it is absolutely impossible to love others wholly, completely and RIGHTLY without loving God wholly, completely and rightly (if that wasn’t a word before, it is now) Once again, i say that i do, but i challenge you. Hold me up to the light, hold yourself up to the light…. what is it that you see? Because i spend way more time putting all of myself into everyone and everything else before i do into my Creator.

This is something that i struggle with. Because my love language is physical touch, i struggle with putting all of my affections into something that is so intangible. I am very much a tangible girl. You know this. When i meet you for the first time, i skip the handshake and go straight in for the hug. (i’m sorry if you hate this about me) That’s just who i am, how I’ve always been..and a lot of the time i wish that i could change that about myself, but i can’t. So me spending so much time alone was very difficult. I’m going to try to be super transparent for you guys…it wasn’t easy at all. I found myself working all day, to come home to feel alone. Instead of getting on the internet or talking on the phone i tried to ‘fill up’ that time with alone time with Jesus. Something that again, i am awful at.  After a while, this literally started to take it’s toll on me. I found myself breaking down at night in my bed, crying for God to just go ahead and teach me what i needed to learn, I was tired of brokenness. I even begged God to make himself tangible to me there in my room, (after studying the story about Moses asking God to see his face) I became desperate.

This is ridiculous, and kinda embarrassing but for the sake of sharing what i’ve learned, i don’t really care.. but one night i called my little brother, Evan into my room. He’s 12, and honestly one of the sweetest, most sensitive boys i know. He came into the room and instantly knew that i was upset, and asked me what was wrong. I told him that i wasn’t really sure, but i asked him if he would hug me. Yes. Hug me. Evan, being the sweet boy that he is came and gave me the greatest hug ever, held me for a bit, and kissed me on the cheek and said “Krissy i love you, you are the best big sister i could ever ask for. You are beautiful inside and out, i hope you know that. Night.” wow. You have no idea what that did for my heart. It’s like all of that time i spent diving in the word, and praying and seeking…THATS the feeling i wanted/needed to get. Even if Evan hadn’t said a word, just being held in that moment is what i was so desperatly searching for. It’s so hard. I’ve come to this realization: God IS tangible. God is tangible through all of the tremendous blessings in our lives, some we call family & some we call friends. He shows us His tangible Love THROUGH them. And PTL for that, because without that i’d suffocate for sure.

Here lies the problem though, It always begins with that realization.

Wow, Jesus is so evident through him. or,

I love how God is working through him,…

and it changes..

it slowly evolves to

wow, He is so awesome, i love him.

and we completely forget that it all began in Christ.

I am the BIGGEST loser at this game.

Hence my ‘alone time’. It stinks guys, i’m not gonna lie to you. It really does.. but i can feel myself growing.

With brokenness comes pain, and with pain comes endurance, and with endurance there is growth and where there is growth there is healing.

Its not fun to do something so uncomfortable in my own skin,

but i challenge you.

Hold yourself up to the light. What is it that you see?

okay, okay.. i guess the words finally came to me..