I don’t know how your love works
Or how you cover me in grace
I don’t know how you swallow all I am
when I can’t stand my taste,
All that I know is the bleeding in my heart
and the healing in your touch
All that I know is that you gave everything
so let that be enough…
Matt Wertz- All I Know
i am tired today jesus, life has been crazy busy & stressful lately.
i love the being busy, and i love all of this work coming my way.
i pray that it continues! Lord I pray that you help me manage my time and money better than i have been lately. I want to be a good stewart of all that you give me, and i’m sorry for slacking off lately.
I don’t know what it is, but something inside of me pushes away the people i love the most, and i’m tired of it happening & i’m not sure how to stop it. maybe i’m holding on too tight, maybe i need to learn to trust and learn to love more at a distance than i have in the past. i’m just getting bogged down with the thoughts in my head.
Today, Andy talked about the definition of faith. What it means to have ‘faith’.
Hope & Faith are not the same.
The bridge between hope & faith is Gods promise.
Faith is having confidence that God is who He says He is and that He will do everything He’s promised.
Jesus I want to hope less and have faith.
(interesting: hope less- hopeless i feel so often, but i’m finding its because i’m putting all of my hope in the wrong places until i have no hope left.)
I find myself having a lot of hope in a lot of things.
and most of the time that hope is put into the wrong things/people.
not that we shouldn’t put our hopes into people, because i think that is healthy and necessary to a certain extent. but the hope i’ve put into people in the past is overwhelming, overbearing and honestly too much. Its not fair to them, i end up getting let down, and hurting myself. All with good intentions. Every time i feel like i’ve grown a ton, i grow some more and its beginning to bring me to my knees. I beg You to teach me new things, to show me why i screw up so much and how to fix it. Then You do.. and its almost like i regret it..it hurts so much! These growing pains are so terrible yet imperative. I ask you for you to show me Your will and then things change and then i get confused because i think ‘whelp, thats it. that MUST be Your will.’ and i forget that you never stop working in people and in situations. That what i’m seeing now is like looking through a pinhole at the huge plan you have for me. I sometimes get confused between Your voice, satans voice and my own voice.
Andy said that our prayers should sound more like this “FATHER, i hope _________ and i have complete confidence and faith that you can ________ IF YOU ARE WILLING”
and if You say no, or You aren’t willing. YOU ARE STILL GOD. and i still am not.
quite honestly i am scared to ask you for whats on my heart right now, because i know every time i pray big prayers such as this one, something constant in my life changes, or people leave, or i get hurt, or god forbid… i LEARN A LESSON. geeze. and i’m not sure i’m ready.
i need rest, but i know that if i am rested, and satisfied with my life, with my relationships, with my heart and with my relationship with You then there is something very wrong.
yet more than anything.. right now i just want to rest. no more big lessons, revelations, changes in consistency.
but i don’t want that at all at the same time. because i know that when i’m satisfied, when i’m happy in the world i revert to my former self. I hate the old me and i don’t want to be her again. I need to continue growing. I want to grow into the woman you created me to be. For myself, for my family, for my friendships, for my girls, and for someday my husband. I can’t wait. I just gotta keep working on myself.
i know i contradict myself a lot Lord, but i thank you for putting up with me.
‘I don’t know how you swallow all I am – when i can’t stand my taste.’
